To The Green & Gold Faithful

Time to remember, kids; football is just a game. Brett Favre is just a nose-picking, lawn-mowing hillbilly that plays that game for money. The Green Bay Packers are a publicly owned corporate entity that makes tens of millions of dollars a year selling themselves as "small town cheeseheads." And there are scores of more interesting ways to kill four hours on a beautiful Fall Sunday than sitting in the dark rooting for a bunch of emotionally coddled, socially unaware, hyper-violent genetic freak millionaires who happen to be wearing the jersey of the team in the closest geographic proximity to your couch.

Hike, bike, shop, paint, re-tool, cook, write, read, produce, massage, adjust, readjust, wash, brush, camp, road trip, iron, carve, move, mull, hypothesize, question, listen, speak, grunt, mow for Chrissakes!

My theory; The more intense one's interest in sports, the less of an interesting, fulfilling personal life they lead.

Nothing wrong with being a fan, I'm one too...but a little perspective, please.

It's an international mystery: How did a Missouri family's Christmas card photo end up in the Czech Republic, splashed across a huge storefront advertisement?
Danielle Smith said Wednesday that the photo taken of her family last year got sent to family and friends, and was posted on her blog and a few social networking sites. The photo showed her and her husband Jeff holding their two young children.
About 10 days ago, one of Smith's college friends was driving through Prague when he spotted their huge smiling faces in the window of a store specializing in European food. He snapped a few pictures and sent them to a flabbergasted Smith.
"It's a life-size picture in a grocery store window in Prague — my Christmas card photo!"

Which supports my number one rule; NEVER TRUST THE CZECHS!

An Argentine man who tried to use two counterfeit bills has been found innocent, by reason of incompetence. A federal court in Buenos Aires says the forged bills presented by Marcos Ribles were "so clumsy and crude" that "they could not be accepted by most people."

A new phenomena…being too stupid to get arrested.

A Spanish trade union is suing a bakery that allegedly threw the severed arm of an employee into a bin after it was amputated in an accident with a kneading machine. The Workers Commissions said in a statement Wednesday that Bolivian immigrant Franns Rilles lost his left arm in May 28 at the Rovira bakery in the eastern Valencia region.

Makes me question the Elephant Ears.

It's All In The Game

In March, at a soccer match in Hilla, Iraq, between two local teams, as a player with the ball approached the goal to attempt a tying kick late in the game, an overenthusiastic spectator drew his gun and shot him dead.

The spectator drew a red flag.

You Make A Better Door Than A Window!

An Oregon, Wis., man was arrested in February after his 9-year-old son wrote a school essay about the time his dad shot him in the buttocks with a BB gun because he was blocking his view of the TV set.

Now limp on in to the kitchen and get Daddy a Leinenkugel.

A Rose By Any Other...

In April, the City Council of Vero Beach, Fla., grappling with the question of how much skin can legally be exposed in public, adopted the definitions that at least two other Florida jurisdictions use . "Buttocks," for example, is "the area of the rear of the body which lies between two imaginary lines running parallel to the ground when a person is standing, the first or top such line drawn at the top of the nates (i.e., the prominence of the muscles running from the back of the hip to the back of the leg) and the second or bottom line drawn at the lowest visible (sic) of this cleavage or the lowest point of the curvature of the fleshy protuberance, whichever is lower."

Stop it, you’re getting me hot!

Don't Throw Out The Bacon With The Bath Water

I think it’s time, in the midst of all of this Swine Flu hysteria, to slap ourselves across each cheek (any of the four will do), throw some cold water in our faces and snap out of it.

The news wires are filled with terrified citizens from cities around the world timidly making their way down the sidewalk, wearing surgical masks and rubber gloves.

Schools are closing down because of one case of ‘what may be’ the swine flu virus in a student.

CNN even has a special section on it’s web page called Inside the HHS War Room: The Fight Against H1N1. War room? This so-called pandemic has gotten so out of hand they need a War Room?

As of this writing there are 853 cases worldwide…853. In a world with a population of roughly 6.77 billion. This is a pandemic? Let’s look at the definition a moment:

Pandemic;
an epidemic that is geographically widespread; occurring throughout a region or even throughout the world

Geographically widespread? 853 out of 6.77 billion is geographically widespread? Do the math. Right now this pandemic is found in one out of every 7,936,655 people. You think maybe we’re over reacting just a tad?

Don’t get me wrong, I do believe in the old adage that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. But I don’t think it’s a mathematical ratio. I think 800 pounds of prevention is still just a pound’s cure in the end.

So what’s responsible for this lack of perspective? I think two things are to blame:

1. The media – As much as I hate making the media a devil for all out ills, I think this one is spot on. We live in an age of 24 hour, round the clock news. They need to keep reporting something to stay on the air. So instead of broadcasting real news; that which readily effects us in our daily lives, they look at what we react to; the things that push our collective buttons.

Are we interested in highway bills? No. Don’t report it. Anna Nichole Smith’s baby? Love it. Keep it pumpin’. The talking heads are spewing out hours of what is barely interesting, much less newsworthy; baby Kayla, the Peterson murder, Brad and Angelina, the octuplet mommy, and on and on. Which brings us to number …

2. A fearful, over-protective populace – Let’s face it, the lemming mentality that drives humanity is creating a whirlpool of fear and ignorance that’s sucking us right down the Rabbit Hole. Safe, secure suburban families tune into the 24 hour news monkeys and suddenly they feel personally threatened by the flavor of the moment; tainted spinach, top-heavy SUVs rolling over on the highway, sex deviants and terrorists hiding behind every hydrangea bush…and now Swine Flu.

Let’s face it, we’re becoming far too protective of our children. That’s why, in the old days, they had 15 or 16. You never knew when you’d lose one; disease, farming accidents, civil war, or they just fell down the well. You had to be prepared for the worse. Now, with one or two lieblings in the nest, their importance becomes inflated and over-valued. Like dot-com stocks in the 90’s.

So suck it up people. Do the practical things. Wash your hands after you poop. Don’t rub your eyes after shaking hands with the homeless guy and, most importantly, STAY HOME IF YOU’RE SICK! When all is said and done, none of us are so important in our jobs that we need to crawl from our tainted sickbed to spread whatever horrific malady we have to our innocent co-workers.

Hey Genius, you’re an assistant human resources director for a dog food company. The world ain’t gonna come off it’s hinges if you stay home for two days.

I’m Anthony Wood. I’m angry. And I feel a cold coming on.

'Nuns' Race Through London for Charity
AP
Dressed as nuns, runners race through London to raise money for a national children's charity. The run was sponsored by the musical "Sister Act," which is based on a movie about a singer who witnesses a murder and hides as a nun in a convent.

The event raised funds for children traumatized my Whoopi Goldberg movies.

U of Oregon to Frisbee team: No pants, no season

In the world of intercollegiate Ultimate Frisbee, it's ultimately not cool to go without pants. So said a student board that governs club sports at the University of Oregon when it ended a highly-ranked team's season after five players shed their pants and underwear.

The game then went from Ultimate Frisbee to Second-Rate Squirt Guns.

Alabama man sleeps with gun and shoots himself

A 24-year-old man likely will rethink his habit of sleeping with a gun after police said his 40-caliber pistol discharged and hit him in the shoulder on Wednesday. A police detective said the wound was not life threatening.

Which supports the age-old adage—“DON’T LIVE IN ALABAMA!!!”

Bird loses meal to power line, causing outage

Utility workers suspect an osprey made a mess of its breakfast by dropping a fish on a power line, turning out the lights for folks trying to find their own way to start the day. Salem Electric workers called to an outage on the west side of the state capital Wednesday found a burned 14-inch fish beneath the line.

Blackened Catfish Etoufe’ anyone?

Mannequin threatens to bust Ohio barbecue joint

A man who runs a Cincinnati-area barbecue joint says the busty mannequin he tethered to the front of the building has been good for business, but city officials say he needs a permit to keep her there.

In related news, Paris Hilton’s visit to Ohio has been extended indefinitely.

Take Me Out Of The Ball Game

Matthew Stafford, an untested rookie quarterback, is drafted number one by the NFL’s Detroit Lions and signs a guaranteed 43 million dollar contract.

Manny Ramirez, star outfielder for the Los Angeles Dodgers, test the waters of free agency, but returns to the Dodgers to sign a two year, 25 million dollar a year contract. He took less than he wanted because he knew the current economic crisis would limit his pay scale.

The New York Yankees recently opened a new stadium that cost nearly a billion dollars to build. The Dallas Cowboys are in the works to build a stadium that will cost well over that amount.

This is it. The signs of Armageddon. The last of days. American society has completely lost it’s burger chomping, Wii playing, American Idol watching mind.

Are we comfortable, as a culture, that sports figures; players, agents and owners, make hundreds, even thousands of times more than our teachers, than our social workers, than our police and firefighters, than our soldiers in harms way?

I’m not. I’m angry to the point of projectile vomiting.

Hold it…I know what you hardcore fans will say, “Come on, Tony, it’s just business. It’s what people want. It’s what the market will bear.” Well take that bullshit argument, wrap it in a taco and shove it up till it says “hi-dee-ho” to your colon.

We can’t keep rationalizing every flaw in our society that makes a profit as “just business.”

Corporations pollute the water and air...It’s just business.

Gas guzzling SUVs are flooded on to the market, even though we have a dangerous dependency on foreign oil…It’s just business.

Wall Street greed merchants nearly bury the nation in bad vapor loans…It’s just business.

We have to realize that our culture; arts, entertainment, social life and sports, are a mirror to our real selves. They represent who we are as a country—not our politicians, not our flag or our marble monuments…our culture says who we really are. Our arts are disappearing. Theater and ballet companies are closing their doors. Museums are going under. But an average player in Major League Baseball makes over 3 million dollars a year.

So take a look in that mirror. Look hard. We seem comfortable, even entertained by obscenely massive salaries being thrown around for hormonally freakish nut-scratchers, ball-dunkers and tight ends. And we’ll pay top dollar for the best seats and 20 bucks for a beer and a brat. But God forbid we should raise property taxes a few dollars month to improve our schools? Let the public outrage begin!

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate sports. I was an avid Packer fan growing up and still have a mild interest. Although I’d much rather play a sport than watch it. (We only get so many nice days up here in Da’ Great White North.) But enough is enough.

Back in the day, guys like Unitas and DiMaggio and Havlicek played for the love of the game. Sure, they made a pretty good salary doing it. They made a decent living. But they felt fortunate to be making that living playing a game that they loved. And they would have done it for free.

Today’s athletes have developed a twisted sense of privilege and obligation. They act like they’re owed the big payday. They’re whole self-esteem revolves around it. And they’ll stomp their feet and throw a fit if they don’t get it. “He’s making more than me? But I’m better than he is! I want more! I know I signed a contract last year, but I’m sitting out until you pay me more than him! Whaaaaa!!!!”

And, like bad parents who spoil their offspring, we give it to them. They drink and drive and we give it to them. They abuse their spouses and we give it to them. They stab people in strip clubs and we give it to them. They can exhibit all that is bad in human nature; greed, selfishness, brutality… and we give it to them. Michael Vick is serving time for supporting a barbaric dog fighting ring. But you can bet that when he gets out we’ll give it to him.

I had the great displeasure of living in Milwaukee when they were proposing that massive domed turd called Miller Park. You know, the 600 million dollar, single sport stadium with a faulty retractable roof? The one guys died making? The one that Milwaukee and surrounding county taxpayers were going to be footing half the bill for? Without a public referendum?

How obscene is that? The local, sports loving politicians and business owners (with the help of ol’ Bud Selig, who no doubt made a pretty penny himself on the deal) shoved through this abomination and we were going to be responsible for half of it whether we liked baseball or not. With no say in the matter whatsoever.

The projected amount in tax payer dollars for Miller Park, when all is said and done, will be over 400 million dollars. Let that sit in the back of your mind for a moment…400 million. A major city with a faltering school system, high crime, crumbling infrastructure and under-funded public services, and we decide a ball park is a better investment. Are we mouth breathing morons or what?

The argument was made that Miller Park would bring tons of new revenue into the area. Revenue from what? Brat and peanut sales and parking fees?

And as a last slap in the face, Miller Brewing steps in, shells out 20 million and gets to name it Miller Park. Wait a minute. 400 million vs 20 million. We paid more. Why isn’t it called “The Peoples Park of Milwaukee?” Seems only fair. Miller even got luxury skyboxes out of the deal. Seems like an extravagance for a company that makes a beer that tastes like watered down cat urine.

Which is why, when they had the much ballyhooed ribbon cutting ceremony, I made a personal vow: I will never, never ever, never ever ever ever ever NEVER SET FOOT INTO MILLER PARK AS LONG AS I BREATHE GOD’S AIR!!! I don’t care if there’s a million in gold ingots waiting for me on the pitchers mound. I don’t care if my life and livelihood depends on it. I don’t care if Jehovah himself is gonna come down for a visit and a first row, third base side seat is reserved for me. I will never, ever go in.

I think it’s time to look in that mirror. I think it’s time to stare down these greedy sports stars and agents and owners and make like Nancy Reagan and just say no.

I’m Anthony Wood. I’m angry. And I have no gall bladder.

By The Hilt Of Might Mjolner!

Inmate Can't Change Name to 'Sinner'
A Nebraska judge nixes a prison inmate's request to change his name to "Sinner Lawrence Bilskirner." Jonathan Thomas says he wants the new moniker because he is a "heathen" who worships the Norse god Thor. But the judge suspects Thomas may find a new identity handy for dodging law enforcement and child-support cases.

This ruling may delay Charles Manson changing his name to “Puff-a-licious Pound Puppy.”

Want Fries With That?

Man Cuts Off, Eats Finger in Protest
Upset over unpaid wages, a Serbian union official chops off his finger and eats it to protest the situation. "We, the workers, have nothing to eat. We had to seek some sort of alternative food and I gave them an example," Zoran Bulatovic says.

He also said the finger tasted “Kind of like mladunče.”

Careful Through That Metal Detector

Man Dies After 34 Shots From Nail Gun
Reuters
Authorities in Sydney, Australia, release an X-ray image from a horrifying case -- the slaying of a man who died after being shot in the head with a nail gun 34 times. Police hope that the photo will prompt someone to come forward with information in the unsolved death.

They have ruled out suicide.